The Retreat!

It has been 2 weeks since the retreat, and I am back into barely having time to eat, sleep or pee. I am very excited to graduate soon and restore order that factors in being able to simply BE with God. When 3 classes, 3 practicum theatre credits, a senior project, two jobs, and a substantial social life leave me gasping for air trying to find time to breathe, I find myself chanting 2 MORE MONTHS internally. Part of me wishes I had the will to slow down and spread out the last year of my college experience another semester, but most of me is desperate and excited to be done. Pretty much every aspect of my life is going to be up in the air after I graduate. I am not sure where I’ll live, what I’ll do, if my relationship will carry on through the transitions…what I do know is that I have a lot of options which is something to be grateful for. I am waiting to hear back about a job as a flight attendant, and if I do not receive that job I will move to L.A. to continue acting and modeling, hopefully on a larger scale. If I DO get the Delta Airlines job, I might be based in a Spanish-speaking country, but I would begin in January with 2 months of training in Atlanta. For now I am focusing on completing my degree and enjoying my blessings. The retreat reminded me that moments of peace turn out to be the best moments of life. Many people describe their goals as “I want to do this…” “I want to go here…” “I want to buy this…” My goal is to reach a point of stability where I can sit. I want to sit. That’s all. Idleness allows me to eagerly respond to and embrace opportunities that come my way. Today was a beautiful day–t shirt weather if you’re out moving in the world. My boyfriend Sam, my dog Tigger, and I walked down by the river, and then we (the 3) went to a sushi place. Remembering Sabbath and taking rest rejuvenated me and I feel ready, although not eager, for another busy week. Little things help me persevere through this crazy schedule and daunting amount of responsibility of completing my degree. The Holy Spirit taps me on the shoulder during rushing bicycle rides to say, “Hey! Look at the trees. Aren’t the changing colors magnificent? Isn’t God’s glorious creation wonderful?” A thoughtful friend sends me a funny picture to bring me down to earth from the constant feeling that I am fighting my own battle. Random communications from family and friends remind my that although my story has a lot to it right now, I am not alone, and everyone else has their own story too. This sensation of realizing how tiny you are, and how all the tiny details that apply to your life; Every other person of the billions has that many tiny details wrapped up inside them as well: that’s called sonder. The feeling of sonder overwhelms me as I am remembering all these times I have to be many places to do many things and I see so many people around me on this bustling campus with the same robotic agenda. I think about how unnatural it is to be expected to be at the same place, at the same time, every other day for weeks. Not exactly a huge burden or obstacle to triumph over, no. But considering how fluid our minds and moods and bodies are, and how they are constantly responding to infinite changes in the world around us…isn’t it pretty wacky how we all have such strictly mapped calendars? I gotta say, I don’t think God planned for humanity to behave in this way. He made sun-up and sundown, and we’ve over evaluated those guidelines and calculated them down to the markers known as seconds. I remember a time I planned out going to this dance at school in high school. I had a set group of girls, I knew what I was going to wear, etc. When the dance was approaching, I thought to myself, “I don’t really FEEL like going to a dance right now.” I followed that instinct and stayed home and played keyboard by myself in my basement. It might sound silly that I chose that activity that I can really do anytime when I have free time over going to a dance that would only happen once, but I don’t really regret it. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Seems like the natural order to me. Our bodies and brains can be mediums for God to use to speak to us. If we are feeling tired, God is saying, “Get some rest.” If we get a cold, God is saying, “You are over-expending yourself. Cut back.” If we feel stuffed, God is saying “You are being gluttonous.” If we feel ashamed, God is saying, “That was not the right thing to do.” The problem is most people have their life set on overdrive and don’t have the time, patience, or awareness to hear these calls from God. The retreat, and any time I can find a sense of retreat within my life are the times when I can get reconnected with hearing God’s voice.

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